Filling the Relationship Piggy Bank

Filling the Relationship Piggy Bank

Gail: For me, a really great metaphor around the relationship that we have with a child or with anyone, really, is to be thinking about it as a piggy bank, right, to be thinking about what's our relationship piggy bank-like. And if you think about anyone that you have a positive relationship with, it is – that relationship was built by a series of positive interactions over time, right? So, we shared a laugh, we had something in common, we had a good conversation, we had lunch together. So, a series of positive interactions over time has built that relationship to be a positive relationship. And every once in a while, there might be a relationship withdrawal, right? So, maybe somebody doesn't return a phone call or something like that. But it's OK because we've got a really full piggy bank.

Dawn: And it's full of all of these positive interactions.

Gail: It's full of all of these positive things. So, if we think about children who engage in behaviors that we find challenging, I think we want to think about, what is our piggy bank like with that child? Because one of the things we know is human nature – and a teacher behavior, too – is that if children engage in behaviors we find aversive, we tend to avoid them. So, I think what we think is that we spend all our time with them. But when we watch teachers in the classroom, what we notice is that children with challenging behavior get called on less often.

Right? They get fewer opportunities to learn. Dawn: The discipline is usually harsher for them.

Gail: Discipline is harsher. Most of our interactions with them is around trying to control their behavior. It's not about making deposits, right? So, if we think about it, their relationship with us is probably pretty empty, right? And so, when we ask them to do things that are difficult, like engaging at circle time for 10 minutes, that they might not find so engaging, sitting next to a friend or next to a classmate for a length of time, things that might be more challenging for them, there's nothing to draw upon there, right? So, we want to think about, how do we fill their piggy banks? Easy to do with children that we find really reinforcing.

Dawn: It is easier.

Gail: That skip into the classroom and give us a hug and tell us that we're their favorite person, right? Easy to do. But with a child that might come in and engage in one of those behaviors we find aversive, it means that we have to work harder to do that and be more intentional about that. So, building that piggy bank. And easy things, like getting on their level and using their name. It's giving them a hug or a high five. It's noticing them when they're engaging in appropriate behavior and just commenting on that. It's spending time with them. It's following their lead during play. It's using their interests, and, you know, I know they really like penguins, so I read a penguin book today for them. So, it's things like that, little things like that that can really build up that piggy bank.

Dawn: And to really connect with the joy of why teachers wanted to be there anyway. Gail: Absolutely.